You Did It! Excuse me? At the end of January these “meteorologists” were telling us that we were going to have at least six weeks of bone-dry weather. I think they need to stick to studying and predicting meteors (that’s what they’re supposed to do, isn’t it?) and let somebody else take care of the weather, because they sure seem to have a hard time with that weather-predicting part of their jobs. Maybe they only predicted that there would be a 99-percent chance that we would have six weeks of bone-dry weather. In that case, they are probably all sitting around now convincing one another that they were right after all. You know, because of that 1-percent window they could all jump out of. Speaking of windows, it might be a good use of our tax money to install a few of them in that National Weather Service building in San Diego so their employees could take a look outside once in a while. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just personally and selectively cut off your contribution to government funding when you feel you’ve been disserved in a certain area? I would just figure out what is the percentage of the taxes I pay on April 15 that go to the National Weather Service, and I just write a little note with my 1040 saying that, “I have reduced my taxes by .04 percent because I am cutting off my funding for the National Weather Service until they can hire some people that have been trained how to reliably predict the weather.” I’d like to do that for state taxes too. A little note with my 540: “On Feb. 24, 2003, I struck a rock on Highway 138 and destroyed my right front tire because Caltrans had not cleared the rock from the road. Therefore, I am reducing my tax burden by the $51.80 that the Caltrans owes me for the tire, mounting and balance. Yours Truly, Loyal Taxpayer.” Don’t even get me going on the CIA, Congress or the IRS. I might not deduct the amount I owe them from my taxes, but I might ask that this amount be diverted to NASA or some other agency that is actually doing a good job and getting me somewhat excited about what they’re doing while they’re practically sticking a transfusion tube in my arm that goes straight to Washington, D.C. But I digress... I’m sorry—I was talking about the weather, wasn’t I? Bear with me. I don’t ever get writer’s block, but I get something worse, this thing I call, “writerrhea.” I just run all over the place and make a big mess out of something that is usually second nature for me. Then I realize I’m rambling way off my subject again. But now I’m back on track and talking about the weather. It looks like whoever bothers to read this column took my advice early this month and used their good vibes or good connections to make the beneficial moisture come down for many days in a row. I knew you could do it, despite what those meteor experts were telling us. Imagine a bunch of molten rocks coming down on our heads at terminal velocity—I hope those can guys tell us in advance of when that is going to happen so we can stay indoors and park the cars inside. If the meteorologists can predict that successfully they might get their funding back from me. Oops, I’m doing it again. I watched on the radar as the severe precipitation pulled north and stayed east and west of us, while just putting down a nice, plentiful amount of moisture where it was needed. The 18 is still there—I know because I went down and checked—and so far, the power is still on. I hope that’s what happens the rest of these 40 days and 40 nights, or whatever it’s going to be. You all tapped into that Polar Jet Stream and brought it down here like a Pineapple Express. But on television they showed where this thing was coming from—deep inside China. Maybe we should call it the Panda Express. That name makes me hungry for some reason. Whatever, it is a strange occurrence, and I hope it doesn’t last too long, because my feet were sinking down there in Waterman Canyon on Sunday. Let’s all take the tax money we spend on the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and redirect it into our own little prayer group, focused energy committee, rain dance troupe, or whatever you want to call it, and then we can have our own Web site and tell people when it’s actually going to rain and snow. I’ll go out on a limb and tell you I’m 99-percent sure that we’ll do a better job than these “meteorologists.”
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